Show and Tell: Less Talk, More Thought

I'm in the process of adding life to my characters by having them react to each other and the world around them.  In the process I discovered something:  narration and exposition, even when it can be attributed to a given character, doesn't seem to count. At least that's my assumption from the feedback I've gotten.

I do this all the time apparently because the bulk of the feedback I've received is along these lines. Rather than actually get into the character's mind, the narrator relate the character's thoughts.  I suppose this is a show vs tell error.  The fix is easy, revise those paragraphs and add more of the character's personality to it.

Example -- original text

Brashani spent a few hours looking around Clearbrook.  The people seemed friendly and pleasant.  Otherwise, the town seemed like any average-sized town in the kingdom.

He noted that there was only one jewelry store and no magic shops.  Likewise, there was no one in town of appreciable wealth, other than the gem merchant and the town mayor.

That’s good thought the wizard.  That means the necromancers won’t be coming here.  Unless, the gem merchant is hiding the jewel they want.

Example -- revised text

Brashani spent a few hours looking around Clearbrook.  The people seemed friendly and pleasant.  Otherwise, the town seemed like any average-sized town in the kingdom. 

He noted that there were no magic shops in town.  

Figures.  These people of mana phobes.  He shook his head.  On the other hand, I won’t have to pay the high prices I usually find in a magic store. 

Looking around further, the wizard observed there was only one jewelry store and no one in town of appreciable wealth, other than the gem merchant and the town mayor. 

That’s good, thought the wizard.  That means the necromancers won’t be coming here.  Unless, the gem merchant is hiding the jewel they want. 

Notice how I've added Brashani's thoughts and revised the text to bring out what he is thinking and feeling about what he sees.  I can do more and probably will.  I only provide this text as an example of what you might try if you find yourself in a similar situation.